Laser Sharks

Remember a decade ago when music was good and there was almost peace in the Middle East? I remember it well, even through all that grain-effect nostalgia takes on (well, in movies, anyway.) I remember all the hot new toys and hot new gadgets and hot new bricks (cell phones) that were “only for emergencies.” I also remember that one video game that nearly everyone had, or at least knew someone that had, and no, I’m not talking about Pokémon. I’m talking about that little electronic gadget you kept in your pocket and checked on all the time. I’m talking about Tamagotchi.

For all you younger readers, Tamagotchi was a little digital pet you interacted with through an LED screen, and it was all the rage. You could feed it, pet it, play with it, and take care of it when it got sick. You just had to remember to do all of this regularly, because if you forgot, your pet would get sad and maybe even die. Of course, this led to every kid constantly checking and playing with his little gadget-friend. And when it inevitably broke, the kid would whine to his parents until they got him a new one (with even more features.) Ah, those were the days.

Tamagotchi toys are a rarity these days. But I’ll tell you what’s not. Cell phones. Every kid has one and every kid plays with it constantly. They download the latest songs, surf the web, share files with friends, create ring tones, play games, instant message, text, take photos and movies. Oh yeah, sometimes they even call people with it, even if it is just to say, “Hey, did you get that text I just sent?” Most importantly, though, when they inevitably break it, or the latest version with all new features comes out, they whine to the parents until they get a new one.

The point is, I saw two different kids today, no more than 13 years old and both had iPhones. I want an iPhone, and if I can tear myself away from Pokémon long enough, I might just call Mom up and see what I can do about that.

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I have grown to love my phone in a manner that I never thought I could love anyone, much less a piece of electronics.  I am not talking about anything kinky or bizarre, I mean come on, it is not that special of a phone.  Why do I love my phone?  It is not the hottest new gadget, it is not the most powerful one available, and it sure does not fit comfortably into my pocket.  I love my phone because it is a big blank box that I can configure into anything I want and stay connected to the world.  I can find or make any software that I want that will change my phone to the shape of the world as I see it.

As is often the case when someone lives in a place they would prefer to not, I frequently hear “I thought phones were just supposed to make calls” perhaps followed closely by a ”git-r-done.” I will then think to myself how ironic it is that the phone is one of my least used features.  After thinking this, I then ponder if I should give in to the urge to punch this guy in the face.  Sadly, I have always decided to abstain.  I say sadly because I feel that the world owes this guy a punch in the face and can only hope that someone far braver than I will come along and finish the job.

With my phone, I can instant message friends, check weather and movie times, make blog posts like this one, and prove to my friends that Lauren Graham really did have a guest spot in four episodes of NewsRadio.  I can give my phone an address, and the voice of John Cleese guides me safely to my destination, all while avoiding traffic and construction delays.  I can see an entire family sporting mullets and take a picture to show my friends.  I can easily input text on its QWERTY keyboard that is large enough to overcome the fact that I come from a long line of people with fat fingers. 

I like that it combines the mp3 player, digital camera, pda, and crappy laptop computer that I used to lug around.  I like my phone so much that I am willing to look like a tool wearing my phone in a belt holster because it is too large to fit comfortably  into my pocket.  I like my phone so much that I’m willing to look like an even bigger tool wearing a bluetooth headset on my ear because face grease makes the screen hard to read.  I like my phone so much I’ve made some preliminary sketches for a Lexan casing to protect it from the elements.  I like my phone so much I’m willing to set an alarm to sound right before I go to bed to remind me to charge it for fear that the battery will die and all my data will be erased. 

I like my phone so much that I will stick with it despite all the newer, more powerful, sexier models coming out - well at least until my contract expires.

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